Holy cowzes, peeps!  Thanks for using my Amazon referral code!  You’ve put me into a higher payout tier for this month!  As always, using this code costs you nothing and keeps this oasis of reason and snark on the web.  Did you know that ordering from Amazon has a smaller carbon footprint than driving to the mall and back, given a certain (very small) distance to the mall and efficiency of car?  So by keeping the banner on this site green, you’re kee … (sorry, can’t.)  Also, every time you order using my link, it keeps each deity ever conceived from killing a penguin (it’s true, I can show you the math)?  As always:

Unfortunately, too many conservatives, who would never risk emitting so much debt that it would tank the dollar, will blithely tell you on carbon:  “Emit all you want.  Don’t worry. It’s all a hoax.”  And too many liberals, who would never risk emitting too much carbon, will tell you on emitting more debt:  “Spend away. We’ve got plenty of room to stimulate without risking the dollar.”

Because of this divide, our government has not been able to put in place the long-term policies needed to guard against detonating our mounting debt bomb and climate bomb.  As such, we’re in effect putting our kids’ future in the hands of the two most merciless forces on the planet: the Market and Mother Nature.

Overstretched at points, but some good stuff there.

OK, new tradition, monthly this time.  Fantasy portfolio: you are free of debt and have $10,000 to invest.  Make it as complicated or as simple as you like, using any instrument(s) you like.  Post it here.  We’ll figure out what you own at close of the New York markets on 15th October.  Then every 15th of the month, we’ll tot up what our portfolios are worth, and in exactly one year we’ll cover all our shorts and sell everything else, and compare the cash we have.  We’ll waive transaction fees.  With me?  This is only fun if multiple people play, so please play.

The standard mcgees.org prize is a banana through the U.S. mail.  This will be awarded to the virtually-richest person on 15th October 2010.

Also, I don’t really know what I’m talking about, so I will probably lose.

My proposed portfolio:

I’d put $10,000 on account at a broker.

I’d short:

$5,000 in gold [Edit: NYSE GLD]
$5,000 in Google (GOOG)

Then use the $10,000 to buy:

$3000 in a DOW Jones index fund (say, IYY)
$7000 in Iceland Kronur currency

This is possible, right?  As I said, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Play.  S’il vous plait, or even if it doesn’t.  I don’t want to be the only one playing; I’ll be lonely.

I accidentally tried to pay a seller through PayPal with an old bank account.  The payment fizzled.  I now have a PayPal balance of -$4.72.

To resolve the negative PayPal balance, I need to pay PayPal with a credit card.  No problem.  I try to add my credit card.  I am told that I have the maximum number of credit cards on my account, and have to delete one before I add another.  I go to delete a credit card, and:

I cannot delete a credit card because I have a negative balance.

… if he knows what he’s talking about.  Which would rock.

Scene: You, due to some bad luck,  some bad planning, unauthorized charges, and excessive bank fees,  has lost his two checking accounts.  First WaMu closed his checking account, then BofA closed his checking account, due to extended periods of overdrawnth (caused, it should be said, because of $35 NSF fees they imposed.)    BofA has already established, in personal conversation, that You’s Money Market (interest-bearing) account is not affected by the closure of the checking account.  You wants to save money while salvaging what he can of his bank accounts.  Also, You has just learned about chexsystems, which allows banks to see whether people have mishandled checking accounts in the past.

Players:

In the role of “You:”, Joshua McGee, a customer of Bank of America
In the role of “Trevor”, a customer service representative who may or may not be called Trevor, who does not know the difference between the verbs “request” and “suggest”

Chat Information

Thank you for choosing Bank of America. You are now being connected to a Bank of America Online Banking Specialist.

Trevor: Hello! My name is Trevor. Thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer. I hope that you are having a great day!
Trevor: How may I assist you with your personal Checking and Savings accounts opened in ‘California’?

You: Hey Trevor, how’s it going?
You: I’m writing regarding my Balance Rewards Money Market account xxxxxxxxxx.

Trevor: Hi, I am doing good. Thank you.
Trevor: How about you.

You: I have a few questions.

Trevor: Please go ahead.

You: BofA recently closed my Checking account due to an overdrawn account
You: I was told that my savings account would not be affected
You: But as I think (?) I had some deal with having them linked, I wanted to see what’s in play now
You: In terms of fees, limits, etc.
You: I couldn’t figure it out from the basic help
You: Sorry
You: 1^st: is there a monthly service charge?

Trevor: I regret to hear that your account was closed due to overdrawn balance.

You: 2^nd: How many free deposits/withdrawals?
You: No problem
You: Not your fault

Trevor: I understand you wish to know more about your Money Market account.
Trevor: I am able to assist you in this regard.

You: Good job (for auditors)

Trevor: However, to proceed further, may I please have your complete name and the last four digits of your account number?

You: Thank you Trevor
You: Joshua McGee xxxx

Trevor: Thank you for providing the information, Joshua.

You: (to keep typing simultaneously:) 3^rd: what happens with things that would be overdrafts
You: ?
You: I’m not rushing you
You: Look up what you need to
You: But I might keep typing

Trevor: Could you please give me a moment while I retrieve your account information?

You: Of course
You: (I bet you have that line in a macro…)

Trevor: Thank you for your patience, Joshua.
Trevor: I value your precious time.

You: (knock it off

Trevor: I see that you have a Balance Rewards Money Market account ending in -xxxx.

You: Yes

Trevor: I request you to maintain minimum daily balance of $25,000 in account or link account to a Prima Relationship to avoid the fee of $20.00 in your account.

You: hmm
You: I’m in Chex now
You: So, given that
You: Is there a free (or cheaper) account?
You: I don’t even care if it’s interest-bearing
You: I’m trying to avoid the fee
You: I lost my job and became disabled

Trevor: I understand you wish to convert your account to another type.

You: So I have very little money right now
You: Yes – in such a way that Chex would not make the transfer fail

Trevor: However, to compare accounts, I request you to click on the following links:

You: I will do so – will you stay on the “line” here?

Trevor: For checking accounts, please click on the following link:
Trevor: http://www.bankofamerica.com/deposits/checksave/

You: I won’t be approved for a checking account

Trevor: For savings accounts, please click on the following link:
Trevor: http://www.bankofamerica.com/deposits/checksave/index.cfm?template=save_overview

You: Will you be here when I get back?
You:

Trevor: Yes, I am here to assist you.
Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

You: “Regular Checking Account”, please
You: (maybe I have that already?)

Trevor: You mean you wish to convert your account to MyAccess checking account.

You: IF AND ONLY IF this will not cause my current account to close AND the new account to potentially fail to be approved

Trevor: Then, I request you to open a Prima with Tiered Interest checking account.

You: I don’t follow
You: Oh, I see
You: No, they won’t open one of those for me

Trevor: You mean you did not understand what I am saying?

You: As I said I am in Chexsystems now
You: I am 101% sure that I would be denied
You: This was largely beyond my control, and it sucks, but I’m trying to keep hold of what I can
You: Losing the savings account in the bargain would NOT be good

Trevor: I sincerely apologize to hear that.

Trevor: However, I request you to visit a nearest banking center and talk to a specialist about your concern and ask him to open a new account for you.

You: *sigh*

Trevor: I assure you that our specialists are able to fix this issue there and then.

You: This is beyond your power to help me with?
You: Fix *what*?
You: Can you say?

Trevor: They are able to open an account for you.

You: OK, Trevor, I will do that – but I’m hearing the implication that one account cannot be converted into another. Is that correct?
You: If that is not the case, are you saying that this IS possible but that you cannot do this for me?

Trevor: Please note that you can convert your account to a different account type.

You: Yes
You: Only at a banking centre?
You: I mean, we can’t do that, right now, tonight, right?

Trevor: I am able to convert your account to a different account type right away. But unable to open an account for you.

You: Yes. OK. Upon reflection:
You: The best thing might be for me to walk into an account with $300 in cash, in order to convert the account and meet the minimum balance
You: ?

Trevor: Yes.

You: (one question about that:)

Trevor: Please go ahead.

You: Is the $300 requirement an average daily balance requirement, or if the account balance drops to $299.99 at ANY point is the fee assessed?

Trevor: Yes, if the balance drops below $300.00 even if a single day, an account fee of $5.00 will be charged to your account.

You: Oh, it’s only $5?
You: Didn’t notice that

Trevor: Yes.

You: I was back at $20/$25 for the other account
You: Well – if there is NSF in the account when the fee is assessed, what happens?

Trevor: Yes.

You: Are there overdraft charges a la the checking accounts?

Trevor: No, there is no nsf fee charged to your account. But the Regular Savings Account offers three withdrawals per monthly statement cycle at no charge.

You: Yes

Trevor: After three withdrawals, the charge per withdrawal is $3.00 if the minimum daily balance is below $2,500.00.
Trevor: Please note that if the withdrawal limit is exceeded during three statement cycles in a 12-month rolling period, the account will be converted to a MyAccess Checking account.

You: So, I’d have a negative balance for a few days, I won’t get stung by another $35/whatever slap, right?

Trevor: Yes, your savings account will not be charged any fee of $35.00.

You: OK. So, with my current account the fee is $25 or whatever. For the Regular Savings it’s $5, with no overdraft penalty if I don’t have the $5 in there
You: correct?

Trevor: Yes.

You: OK

Trevor: But keep in the mind the excessive withdrawal fee of $3.00 as well when you exceed the transfers or withdrawals.

You: So it would seem reasonable to convert the account RIGHT NOW to the Regular Savings, and then go to deposit the $300 ASAP.
You: Unlimited deposits?

Trevor: Yes.

You: That should be fine

Trevor: You can make unlimited deposits.

You: I will mostly be depositing checks and transferring to PayPal or something, to burn only one w/d
You: So this works for me
You: You might not be able to advise me, but there are no apparent holes in my logic, right?
You: “allowed” I should say

Trevor: Yes.

You: OK
You: So:
You: Do you need stricter challenge-response questions to convert my account?
You: Or do you just push some buttons?
You: (I have a question that may be beyond your expertise, but maybe you do know or can refer me to documentation)

Trevor: However, to convert your account to a Regular savings account, I request you to write us an e-mail to our Customer Service Department.

You: I see

Trevor: You are able to send an e-mail to us by visiting the Customer Service tab and then selecting Send a Message to Customer Service, which is located on the left hand side of the screen.

You: This is not something we do while chatting, right?
You: OK, so, one more question?

Trevor: Yes.
Trevor: Please go ahead with your concern.

You: If I exceed the 3/per month on 3 months and the conversion happens to the checking account
You: Will that CONVERSION be denied?
You: I mean, if I’m still in Chex?

Trevor: No, you are not in chex.

You: Oh. I’m not?
You: Very surprised, but thank you.
You: You mean that you looked, and you are sure that I have no report, right?

Trevor: Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.

Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

Trevor: Yes.

You: I’m sorry to take your time, but I do need at least one more clafication

Trevor: Please go ahead.

You: OK, so I’m not in chex. So if my savings account gets converted to a checking account after a year because I’m hitting it too frequently, then I’d get a checking account back? Not to belabor the point, but the checking account that they closed this month?
You: I mean, not the same account number
You: But it sounds like I could go in tomorrow and open another checking account without a chex record
You: I know this is beyond your purview
You: So tell me to get lost if you must

Trevor: I understand you would like to know if you can open an account with Bank of America if you exceed the limits of your savings account.

You: kinda

Trevor: Yes, as you will not be reported to the chexsystem for this concern.
Trevor: You can open another account with Bank of America.

You: I can go into a branch tomorrow and OPEN A CHECKING ACCOUNT, after they have closed my checking account for being overdrawn, and turned it over to collections?
You: Why in blazes would they be willing to do that?

Trevor: I understand your concerns regarding the closure of your account. I see that the account was closed because the balance was overdrawn for 120 consecutive days.
Trevor: In an attempt to avoid closing your account, we mailed notices to the address on file to make you aware of the outstanding balance. A final notice was sent stating the account was in jeopardy of closing and a date of closure was provided in the letter.

You: Correct
You: I understand
You: I didn’t have the money

Trevor: Each overdrawn account is evaluated on a case by case basis. The decision to close the account is made by the banking center manager where the account is maintained.

You: Yes.

You: You understand that I’m not complaining, right?
You: I mean, I know about the cut-and-pasted stuff

Trevor: I understand that.

You: But I doubt they will open a checking account for me, seeing as they JUST CLOSED ONE
You: (Am I missing something?)

Trevor: Yes, they will definitely open a new account for you.

Trevor: No, you are not missing anything.

You: Well then.

Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

You: Yes. What is the minimum deposit for the most boring checking account? $45?
You: $25, I mean
You: ?
You: Do you have an employee/ID number for my records?

Trevor: Please note you need to maintain a minimum opening balance of $25.00 for the checking account.

You: (sorry to change subjects in medias res)
You: Yes
You: What does “maintain a minimum opening balance” mean?

Trevor: Unfortunately, we do not provide our numbers to the customers due to security concerns.

You: I see
You: So when I print this out, are you uniquely identified as Trevor?

Trevor: I am sorry for the typo error.
Trevor: Yes, I am Trevor.

You: deposit a minimuum of $25, right?
You: not “maintain”
You: ?

Trevor: You need to have a minimum opening balance of $25.00 in your checking account while opening a new MyAccess checking account.

You: yes

Trevor: Absolutely!

You: minimum balance is $0, correct?

Trevor: Yes.

You: OK
You: So, tomorrow, as long as I’m going anyway, I guess I’ll do the account conversion and the new account in the same trip

Trevor: If you open an account Online, it is free with direct deposit and minimum balance requirement.

You: Yes, but, I don’t have direct deposit available to me at this point
You: But thank you

Trevor: No, need to the new account.
Trevor: Thank you for your co-operation and understanding, Joshua.
Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?

You: You must be frustrated with me, sorry, but maybe one more

Trevor: No, I am not at all frustrated with you, Joshua.
Trevor: My job is to get things done for you.

You: If I were to go into a branch tomorrow, I could bring $25 to deposit in the new checking account, and as little as $0 to convert the type of savings account converted. Correct?

Trevor: I request you to open a new checking account Online to avoid the monthly fee.

You: I see
You: How to deposit the $25?

Trevor: You can deposit the money through the banking center.

You: A bricks-and-mortar branch?
You: (sorry)

Trevor: Whatever banking center it may be.

You: Yes. A PHYSICAL banking centre. So I open an account online, DON’T DEPOSIT ANYTHING, then somehow “activate” it when I go into a branch and deposit the $25+
You: Or will they want to charge a credit card $25 or something online?

Trevor: Do you have a Credit Card account?

You: BofA? No. But I have a Master Debit card

Trevor: I request you to transfer the amount from your Credit Card account to the new checking account you are opening.

You: OK – so I WILL NOT be able to open an account without a credit card?

Trevor: No, you are able to open an account.

You: I. Am. Sorry. I am feeling dense
You: I can open the account for $0

Trevor: But if you have credit card with you, why go to banking center to deposit the small amount of $25.00.

You: This saves me from a fee – a monthly fee – when I open online?
You: (Free coffee and donuts?
You: Or a one-time fee?
You: So, to sum everything up: I could theoretically deposit $375 with a credit card when opening the checking account

Trevor: Yes, when you open an account Online, your account will be free.

You: Trevor, free every month or free of an activation fee?

Trevor: No, you need to deposit the minimum balance of $25.00.
Trevor: Yes, it is free every month.

You: Understood
You: And would not be free every month if I opened it at a branch?
You: Web special thing?

Trevor: Please note, if you open a checking account at a banking center, you need to maintain a direct deposit from your employer each statement period to avoid the fee of $8.95 in your checking account.

You: I see. A MONTHLY $8.95 fee.

Trevor: Yes.

You: THANK YOU
You: Open checking account on line with as little as $0.

Trevor: Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.
Trevor: Is there anything else there I can assist you with?
Trevor: Absolutely!

You: Email Customer Support to convert savings account
You: Take $300 into branch ASAP to get the minimum balance in place before 9/1 (?)

Trevor: Yes.

You: GREAT
You: You’ve been a HUGE help
You: Can I give you a perfect 10 review somehow?
You: Customer Satisfaction Survey or something?

Trevor: Thank you for your feedback, Joshua.

You:

Trevor: Do you have a minute to spare? We care for you and would really like you to get the best possible benefits while banking with us.
Trevor: Keeping this in mind, Bank of America has designed a complete new tool, which will help you to manage your finances much better.
Trevor: Please check this site out, and I am sure you will really be much rewarded and manage your finances much better after this :
Trevor: http://learn.bankofamerica.com/?cm_mmc=General-_-vanity-_-ZZ01VN0039_learn-_-FIN_WELL

You: Thank you

Trevor: Thank you for choosing Bank of America’s Text Chat Service! We appreciate and value your business and have a wonderful day!

PayPal just sent this email:

Many of you asked us to make tracking your PayPal Debit Card cash back simpler. You got it.

Starting August 1, 2009, the cash back earned on your PayPal Debit Card transactions will be combined into a single deposit and paid monthly, rather than after each transaction, making your record keeping easier.

Your cash back rate won’t change.

OFFS.  Thanks, PayPal!  It was so frustrating, having to do things like withdraw my balance at regular intervals to invest it.  Or, for that matter, leave it in my PayPal money market sweep account and accrue interest on it every day.  Thank you!  This way you can have the interest on my money, and I don’t have to worry about it!

Your cash back rate won’t change.

Yes, assholes, it will.  Daily compounding and monthly compounding are different.  That’s why you’re doing it.  And for that matter:

Many of you asked us to make tracking your PayPal Debit Card cash back simpler

No, we didn’t.  We asked you to please give us back the running ledger that let us know whether our cash back had posted without downloading a comma-separated history file.

You know that special beautiful tinkling sound that fine Austrian lead crystal makes when it shatters, differentiating it from, say, a Coke bottle?

Do you know that extra-super-special beautiful tinkling sound that $200 wine decanters, which you were going to sell on eBay, make when you step on them in sneakers?

Damn.  Aargh.  I need to clean my fucking floor.

As devoted readers know, and Facebook and Twitter readers probably do not, I am living in an 8m travel trailer, because:

1. I got really tired of throwing away rent money without building equity
2. I got obsessive about my carbon footprint, and
3. I’m too poor to buy an eco-friendly house

It is amazing how one adjusts to one’s environment.  When I moved in I found it impossibly claustrophobic, and now it seems gloriously homey and spacious.  Presumably this has a lower bound — I’m not sure if I’d ever consider a casket to be a roomy domicile — but it works quite nicely.  There are lots of pros and lots of cons to this lifestyle, but the primary con has to be water.  The coupling for a direct water line into the trailer is leaky, and because:

1. I would get really tired of throwing away water without growing anything
2. I got obsessive about my H₂O footprint, and
3. I’m too poor to have it fixed

I get by filling a storage tank once a week or so.  I’m not quite sure what the tank is made of, but I’m fairly confident it’s something like “polyshittylene”.  Good grief is it noxious.  I was buying water by the gallon bottle for months and months, but wanted to stop because:

1. I got really tired of putting plastic into the recycling stream only having used it once
2. I got obsessive about my hydrocarbon footprint, and
3. I’m too poor to buy jugs of water

I bought — OK, “got my mom to buy” — a Brita pitcher.  Awesome.  I put that horrid noxious water through it, and try as I might to detect off-odors or -flavors, I just cannot.  The filtered water tastes better than bottled “Spring Water” (”spring” is a word in a dialect of the local Morongo “Indian” “tribe” that means “tap”).

It is very difficult sometimes to refrain from trying to pour various things through the filter to “see what would happen” — tea, coffee, scotch whisky, soy milk, soy sauce, vinegar, ad literally nauseum.  I’ll spare you the three bullet points that reduce to “I don’t want to waste the Brita filters” and “I’m to poor to do the experiments without corporate sponsors”.

I think my Dragonwell is done steeping.  Mmm: yummy with filtered water.  See you on the other side of the cuppa.

Well, I am extremely glad that I waited so patiently for Google to offer to link my AdSense account with my Analytics account.  Now I can get in-depth information such as this from Google Analytics!

The pages on your site made > $0.00

(Everyone see my deft apostrophes?)

Here’s a weird one from the US Postal Service.

If you want the signature of someone to prove a letter was delivered, the minimum cost is $4.34, for a 1 oz. letter, as of this writing.  According to the DMM, a letter must conform to certain characteristics, including a thickness “not more … than 1/4 inch”.

A piece of mail that is “not less … than 1/4 inch thick” is automatically a package, even if it’s in a normal envelope (presumably a mailpiece exactly 1/4 inch thick could go as either, although to what accuracy the measurement is required is not defined.)  Now, a service called “Signature Confirmation^TM” is available for packages.  A 1 oz. package can be sent with electronic Signature Confirmation for $2.40, or 45% less than a letter.  The trick?  Add a single packing “peanut” to the envelope.  I learned this trick from a games dealer.

I’ve gotten into the habit of using Signature Confirmation for anything of reasonable importance, from shady rebates to returns of $400 hardware.

Income taxes fall into this range for me.

I sent a suitably-padded envelope of my California state taxes to the Franchise Tax Board with Signature Confirmation.  Signature Confirmation is trackable at usps.com.  Try my package: 4209 4240 9121 8052 1368 3160 5043 59.  It gets “Processed through Sort Facility, April 16, 2009, 8:41 pm, SACRAMENTO, CA 95834″ and then — poof! — it’s gone.

This is where I learn the awesome fact that the USPS only guarantees delivery for Express Mail.  The other services entail, I guess, delivery at their discretion.  Like, if they’re not too busy or something.

I have a copy of my state taxes (electronic) — I plan to print out another, enclose a cover letter, a printout of the tracking information, and send it in, also with Signature Confirmation.  I could, you know, spend $19.80 to send it Express Mail this time.  Then they would “guarantee delivery”.  Then, hey!  If they lost it that time, I might get my twenty bucks back!

Just in time for 15 April: The government can collect legal taxes from illegal money.

MSN: If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless, in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.  Personally, I’d report it as “miscellaneous” income rather than “stolen property.”

(More…)

… actions.  Topclassactions.com maintains a list of active class action lawsuits.  If you are not opposed to the whole concept (some people are) it can feel really good.  This one, for instance, is for anyone who was charged overdraft fees related to use of their Bank of America debit cards between 2000 and 2007 — the stuff I’ve been complaining about for years, such as not denying debit card payment, expressly for the purpose of extracting overdraft fees, and clearing larger transactions first to maximize this revenue.  The payout is $78.

I have no financial interest in this website.  I have deep personal interest in sticking it to BofA, however.

Beardy has a fascinating graph.  The responses are even more rad.

Stay tuned for a link to the MeFi question I am working on composing, after I make sure I understand a nonzero amount of this problem.  Note: a math degree does nothing to help with all of this.

Fun stuff!  Clannish message boards.  What is this, 1995?  WTF?

I will note with pride that the culture on Ubuntu forums is breathtakingly welcoming, even to the most inane requests in broken English.

Amazon pays out affiliates every time their account tops $10.  This is about the normal range for such programs.

Google Adsense, on the other hand, doesn’t pay out until the user has accumulated $100.  This means that there are potentially millions of dollars in the accounts of content generators with $99.99 or below in their accounts that Google will not, and may never, pay.  This is hardly fair.  $100 in ad revenue for a small site is a lot.  Anyone think there’s a class action coming?

Also, for readers of the feed, you may note that I’ve put advertising in the feed now.  Hope this doesn’t drive you away.  If it doesn’t, would you please make it a practice (not just for me, but for all blogs) to click on the ad in the post after you’re done reading, as a “Thank you”?  You needn’t do any more than this.  It would help fund the hosting of this site, and would do the same for other bloggers.

Answer to What We Pay For Gold at GoldKit:

The first question many people ask us is: What is the price you will pay for my scrap gold? To answer this, we need to weigh and evaluate your items. […] The amount of your check will depend on this evaluation.

And Prices We Pay at Cash4Gold?

Material	10 – 50 oz	50 – 100 oz
8K	$12.03(dwt)	$12.68(dwt)
10K	$13.43(dwt)	$14.03(dwt)
12K	$15.01(dwt)	$16.44(dwt)
14K	$16.59(dwt)	$18.85(dwt)
18K	$22.02(dwt)	$24.87(dwt)
22K	$28.72(dwt)	$29.30(dwt)
24K	$31.27(dwt)	$33.00(dwt)
PLATINUM	$48.36(dwt)	$51.06(dwt)
Jewelry (Plat.)	$43.53(dwt)	$45.94(dwt)
STERLING	$8.40ozt	$9.60ozt
.999 SILVER	$9.20ozt	$12.60ozt

So they’re not world-shattering prices, but I think I’d recommend the known quantity, thank-you-very-much.  ‘K, bye, GoldKit!

I watch Antiques Roadshow.  I can usually only stomach the original, British version, not the horrid American knock-off.  Frequently someone will bring in a family piece — say, a portrait of a relative from Georgian times, or a needlework sampler that a greatⁿ-grandmother composed in the early 19th Century C.E. — and will ask after its value.

Now, establishing an auction value makes sense for these: that establishes what items like it, in comparable condition, fetch to when sold to someone else with an interest in art.  But the valuers will go on to give a higher value for insurance purposes, which is supposed to be a “replacement value”.

Replacement?  What could that possibly mean?  Surely you aren’t going to go out and find another portrait of your ancestor, right?  Another sampler that a distant forebear created?  No, it probably means a contemporary of what you have — a portrait of someone else, or a sampler by someone else.

This baffles me.  Why bother?  If it’s Revere Silver, and there are other, more-or-less identical items on the market, “replacement value” make sense.  But the literally irreplaceable, the one-of-a-kind items?  When they’re gone, they’re gone.

My former boss (Jeff, if you’re reading, it was your father) once talked to me about an insurance agent approaching him about insuring his children.  He was likewise dumbfounded.  As he saw it, the argument seemed to be that, if his child died, it would take a lot of money to make up for it.  This is nonsense.  There is not a figure (in dollars) I would accept in exchange for Niall — there may not even be a figure in lives I would exchange for his.  That’s not big-U Utilitarian, but it is how I think.  Heirlooms like the cassette tapes that my family recorded for my Nana, which I now have safely in my possession and will be encoding to digital form, don’t make sense to insure.  There is no accounting for ancestry.  de la Rocha lyrics come to mind: “Sell your history for a VCR.”  No thanks.  You keep your VCR, I’ll keep my heirlooms, please.

In other news, the Euro topped $1.50, the Pound topped $2, and oil topped $107/barrel.

Anyone want to join me in a stirring round of “And I’m Proud To Be An American”?

Stories about the rigors of life in Germany are plentiful.  Economic disaster ensued when the Allied Reparation Commission required Germany to pay a whopping 132 billion gold marks in reparations for World War 1 — Janet Klug, Linn’s Stamp News, 25 February 2008.

Whopping?  132 billion gold marks sounds like a lot, but so does 132 billion Turkish “old” Lira.  This is an example of the type of  information searches philately spurs:

What’s was the buying power of 132 billion gold marks in 1921?  A thousand homes?  The Louvre?  All of Liechtenstein?

Let’s start with a Google search for germany inflation 1923 wikipedia and look at the first match:

The total reparations demanded was 132,000,000,000 gold marks which was far more than the total German gold or foreign exchange.  An attempt was made by Germany to buy foreign exchange, but that was paid in treasury bills and commercial debts for Marks which only increased the speed of devaluation.

Um, OK.  You bill the country more than its entire net worth?  Had no idea.  Yikes.  The article also states:

The German currency was relatively stable at about 60 Marks per US Dollar during the first half of 1921.

Have I mentioned I love Google?  People were talking about the “Information Age” decades ago, but Google has gotta define it.  Anyway, a search for dollar historical buying power in Google, and, again, the first match: Historical Currency Conversions.  A little division, and we put “2 billion 200 million” into the form, and choose “dollars” (yes, you can spell out your amounts like that.)  The answer: 4.7 x 10¹⁸ (4.7E18) dollars in today’s buying power!

This post will be useful for students, so I will avoid profanity at this moment.  But, man!  That’s almost 5 sextillion dollars!  The U.S. GDP (thanks, Google!) was 13 trillion in 2006.  That’s 350,000 years’ worth of the U.S. economy!

Someone please tell me I made a decimal point error somewhere, or that the people at Historical Currency Conversions are full of it.  Sextillions of dollars?

Forget Liechtenstein!  There’s not a continent you couldn’t buy for that kind of money!

What were “we” thinking?  Did we really think this wouldn’t trigger another, worse war?

OK, so, Amazon, yeah?  As discussed previously, Amazon apparently have some sweetheart (but non-exclusive) deal with UPS.  I verified this with the franchise owner of “my” UPS Store, who seems to know what he’s talking about.  What kind of deal?

Well, I’m an Amazon Prime member.  I went in for a “free trial”.  I gave them a credit card number, but they promised they would contact me for permission before converting me to a paid member.  They didn’t.  Flat out, they didn’t.  They lied about it.  They went ahead and charged my credit card for a year in advance.  It’s something like $80 per year.

Sneaky.  But, best deal out there.  It gives you free two-day shipping on practically everything Amazon carry, and the option to upgrade to overnight shipping for US$3.99 per item.  $3.99!  Let’s do some research:

I ordered a three-pound item today through Amazon, in the afternoon.  It will be here tomorrow, by “Next Day Air Saver”, which differs from “Next Day Air” by giving the driver an extra five hours to get you the package, for which I paid the aforementioned $3.99.  They shipped it from their location in Sparks, Nevada.

I played with UPS’s online tool.  I said I was located in 89431, was shipping to a commercial address in 91107, that I had a daily UPS pickup, and that I would give my package to the driver.  I was using my own packaging, and I low-balled the dimensions as 10″×6″×4″.  It’s almost certainly bigger than that, in reality.  And the retail cost, for mere mortal companies?  Want to guess?  Here take a moment.

… When in the course of human events it are you ready? …

$43.57.  $43.57!  For one package, one time!  Surely Amazon Prime subscribers aren’t paying $80 per year and just not using it, right?  How is this remotely profitable for Amazon?  If I were a shareholder, I’d be throwing a fit until I got some numbers.  Are they getting an 80% discount from UPS?  I can’t see how that would be possible, and nothing else would seem to make the numbers line up.

Someone at UPS or Amazon, please post anonymously and give the answer.  How much are Amazon paying for this?

Not poorly.  It was delicious.  But poor.

I have very little income right now, being disabled, out of work, with no disability checks coming in.  I invited my mom over for dinner tonight.  The menu: Sloppy Joes and wine. 

Not an American?  Sloppy Joes are comfort food, frequently (at least when I was growing up) served as school lunch.  Wikipedia: “There is probably no Joe after whom it is named — but … “Joe” is a name that suggests, to an American, a person of proletarian character and unassailable genuineness.”  Can’t beat that with a stick.  Er, switch.  Er, Louisville Slugger.

Ingredients sourced at the 99¢ Only store and low-cost Valu Mart grocery store.  So I worked it out: she had half a hamburger bun, lean beef, sloppy joe sauce, Tabasco Chipotle sauce (yum!), and half a glass of wine (she’s watching her diet.)  $0.72.  Very low in fat, high in protein, and not too bad in the way of sodium.

I feel like Thoreau, detailing cent-by-cent analyses of what it’s like to live simply.  I’m not about to start leaving my front door open or anything, but it’s awfully rewarding to do something like that.

Not actually any clearer than the source documents.  The IRS speaks a completely different dialect of English than I do.  Could someone try to parse the following “explanation”?

NOTE: Thank you for your inquiry.  Our response to your tax law question appears below. I hope this information has been helpful.  If you have a follow-up question or another general tax law question, please return to our web site at: (http://www.irs.gov) to submit it.  Please do not use your “reply” button to respond to this message.  More helpful information is provided at the end of this message.

Your Question Was:
I purchased a jacket for $40 in the year 2000.  I wore it but kept it in good condition.  In 2007, I sold it through my eBay business, as a used item, for $20.  How do I calculate basis and profit/loss on the jacket?

The Answer To Your Question Is:
Thank you for your inquiry. I apologize for any delay in this response. I understand you purchased a jacket for $40 in the year 2000.  You explained that you wore it but kept it in good condition.  In 2007, you sold it through your online auction business, as a used item, for $20.  I understand you want to know how to calculate your profit or loss and basis and on the jacket.

I assume you were a United States citizen as of the last day of 2007. I assume your business is a Sole Proprietorship. I assume you are not a minister. I assume you do not belong to a religion that is opposed to Insurance or Social Security. I assume you did not earn any Form W-2 wages in tax year 2007. I assume you would have a net profit of at least $400 from your online business. I assume this jacket is not a collectible. I assume your business regularly purchases items for resale and you want to include your sale of personal items in that business. I assume you do not take an expense for inventory. I assume you did not make Estimated Tax payments.

The basis of property you buy is usually its cost. The cost is the amount you pay for it in cash, debt obligations, other property or services. Cost includes sales tax and other expenses connected with the purchase.

Before calculating gain or loss on a sale, you must usually determine the adjusted basis of that property. Certain events that occur during your period of ownership may increase or decrease your basis, resulting in an “adjusted basis”. Increase your basis by items such as the cost of improvements that add to the value of the property, and decrease it by items such as insurance reimbursements for casualty and theft losses. When personal property is converted to business property, the basis for depreciation is the lesser of the following amounts; the FMV of the property on the date of the change or your adjusted basis on the date of the change. For more information on basis and adjusted basis, refer to Publication 551, Basis of Assets.

When reporting this income you may download the Form 1040 Schedule C, Profit or Loss from Business (Sole Proprietorship), Form 1040, Schedule SE, Self-Employment Tax and the Publication 334, Tax Guide for Small Business.

The net Form 1040 Schedule C profit is reported for income and self-employment social security tax purposes regardless of any draw. A sole proprietor files Form 1040, Schedule C and possibly Form Schedule SE. Include the $40 sale price of this jacket with your gross income and your basis as an “Other Expense” with a written explanation on the dotted lines of the Schedule C. The Schedule C is a profit and loss statement. If the net profit from self-employment is $400 or more, then you need to calculate Social Security/Medicare self-employment tax on Schedule SE. Use the Schedule C net profit and complete Schedule SE. Basically, sole proprietors file Schedule C only for years they have income and expenses from a business. In the future you may be able to participate in the optional method. This method allows you to claim more earnings as they are reported to the Social Security Administration. To participate in the optional method you must have net earnings of at least $400 in at least two out of the last three years. If you will meet these conditions and you are interested in the optional method, you will have to fill out the back of the Schedule SE. You may have to pay your tax liability through the payment of estimated taxes. If the increase in your income and increase in your tax causes you to owe more than $1,000 with your tax return, you could be liable for an estimated tax penalty, unless your withholdings and payment amounts are within certain percentages. If you do owe more than $1,000, check Form 1040ES, Estimated Tax For Individuals and Publication 505, Tax Withholding and Estimated Tax, to determine if Estimated Taxes would apply to you. You may also need to file Form 2210, Underpayment of Estimated Tax by Individuals, Estates & Trusts, if you do not make estimated tax payments. Please contact your state for sales tax information and state filing requirements. I hope this information assists you. References; *Publication 334, Tax Guide for Small Business (For Individuals Who Use Schedule C or C-EZ) *Publication 505, Tax Withholding and Estimated Tax
*Publication 551, Basis of Assets

IRS forms and publications may be accessed on our web site at the following address: http://www.irs.gov/forms_pubs/index.html or ordered through our toll-free forms line at:
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Expect delivery within 10 business days.

Other useful toll-free numbers include:
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through Friday, 7 am to 10:00 pm local time

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This answer is based on our understanding of the facts you presented in your question.  Omission of facts may affect the answer given.

Here’s a tip for navigating the IRS web site. Use the “search” button at the right side of the web page.  Enter key words or phrases for your topic in the entry box.  It could help you find your answer immediately.

EMPLOYEE ID: 25-04346      Mrs. Rockwell    Tel.:(800)829-1040    msg#: 1771100

Specifically:

1. Is it in fact a typo when she writes “Include the $40 sale price of this jacket with your gross income…”?  Did she mean $20?
2. Didn’t I determine the Fair Market Value (FMV) by posting the item for auction?  Isn’t the FMV then exactly the sale price plus the shipping charge?  Since postage is an expense for me, am I actually marking a loss on this sale?
3. Everything non-perishable is collectible (The Onion had a funny bit on this, but it’s true.)  How does/would being “collectible” change the answer?  Who makes this decision?

OK, first I’ve heard of it, and it starts in a little over an hour.

Sellers — apparently many sellers (including PowerSellers) — are going to be boycotting eBay due to huge rate hikes and questionable changes to the feedback system.  The rate hikes could be as much as 67%, according to analysis I have read.

Power Sellers Unite is a site with much detail about the eBay boycott.

It looks like the most tenable competitor right now is iOffer.  They seem grassroots, kind of craigslist-meets-eBay, and have nifty tools to transfer your feedback and items.  I haven’t gone through the steps yet.

Anyone else involved?  Anyone boycotting, or not boycotting?  Any other suggestions of sites on which to list?  Any idea of what to do with the listings I currently have running?  Discuss!

Unregulated foreign currency exchange scares the daylight out of me.  But anyone else in the US tempted to buy a truckload of Euros, even at the buck-and-a-half they’re going for now?  They keep going up, and I’m guessing they’ll top $2 before Bush is out of office.

The right move at this point for Gatherers’ Guild, the M:tG site I’m a partner in, seems to be to slice shipping costs to Europe to the bare minimum and buy Euro-targeted ads to start sending all our cards overseas.  If $60 in cards can cost them only 40 Euros (which was about $39 a few years ago), you bet they’ll be happy.

I’m hoping to get some financial advance from my readers.  Here is the situation:

I am financing a 2000 A6 sedan. I really like the car. But I’ve just been saddled with a $2,000 repair. I’ve already authorized it, so

that’s unavoidable.  This brings the total maintenance cost thus far to around $5,000 over two years.

With my financing arrangement, the total amount of money I will pay for the car is around $28,000. I have approximately $17,000 left to pay
off the loan.  When I bought the car, it had 55,000 miles on it and was in excellent condition.  The KBB

value was around $30,000, so I got a pretty good deal on the car at that time.

Now, two years later, I have put 55,000 more miles on it for a total of 110,000 miles.  Its current KBB value, if it still had just

55,000 miles on it, would, interestingly, be $17,000, the amount I have left on my loan.  My payments would have just kept the principal

in line with depreciation.  I would essentially have been paying $464 per month to lease the car: I have pumped $9,000 into it, but

would not have seen my equity increase at all. However, since it has twice that milage, it is now worth just $13,000. This has left me in the

rather odd situation of having to come up with $4,000 cash for the privilege of selling my car.

To do a little math, the maintenance costs (and that includes everything, including oil changes, scheduled maintenance, and tires) work out

to about $0.10 per mile. With a car that gets approximately 25 m.p.g., this means that I’m adding $2.50 per gallon of gas to the operating

expense of the car.  Since the car only

takes 91 octane and higher, and since I live in Southern California, what I have essentially done is, thus far, double the price of

gasoline, compared with the hypothetical car that requires no work whatsoever. Following this logic, my maintenance costs on the car are equal to the costs to operate the car without maintenance with gas at $5.00 per gallon, or

about what they pay in Europe.

So the question is, Is it worth it? The $5000 in repairs includes the pricey 100,000 mile scheduled maintenance (which might be a scam, I don’t know), and with the amount of driving I am

currently performing, that won’t have to be performed again for another two and a half years. But as it’s unlikely for the maintenance cost

of an older car to be lower than when it was newer, I can pretty much expect at least this same expenditure.  More, actually, because

while 55,000 over the span of time I’ve owned the car works out to around 530 miles per week, I’m currently putting closer to 700 per week

on the car. That, conveniently but dishearteningly, works out to around $200 per month: about the amount I pay for gas, as mentioned above, and almost half what I pay to service my loan.

Thing is, despite owing $4,000 more on the car than its current value, depreciation has probably stabilized somewhat. To wit, in three more

years, it won’t have lost another $25,500, the linearly projected rate at which it has depreciated thus far.  That would give it a value of -$12,500,

which is absurd. Even if the car’s not running, it will be worth more than that. And the only way a good car like the 2000 A6 would not be

running three years from now is a catastrophic accident — and that I’m insured for.  So in three years the car will be worth, what?

That’s one of the questions. Projecting my future mileage over three years gives me a total of 220,000 miles. A 1997 A6 (that’s the year

2000 minus three years: follow?) with 220,000 miles books at $7,280. Now figuring in inflation and the fact that the 2000 A6 is a better

car to begin with, could we project a value in three years of $9,000?  $10,000?  Let’s pick $9,000.

Another wrinkle is that even though my payments will have the same absolute dollar price over the next five years, in an inflationary market

the dollar is constantly losing value, so the relative cost of my car payments is going down (this is part of the effect that gives

your grandmother $300 per month house payments while her neighbors pay $2,000.) I’m unsure if I’ve compensated for this effect fully by

increasing the projected resale value of my car in three years to $9,000.  Can you tell I’ve never taken an accounting course?

Thus, my current situation is $4,000 negative equity in my car.  Projecting future trends as best I can, I will pay $7,500 (that

number is subject to radical change) for service and $17,000 (that number is fixed) in car payments over the next three years while the car

loses another $4,000 in value. But then the car will be paid off, and I’ll own something worth $9,000. So, drum roll please, the car will

cost me $24,500 over the next three years, but then I’ll have a positive equity of $9,000, which seems like a net expenditure of $15,500

over the next three years, or an annual operating budget of $5,000.

But there are many questions in my mind. Perhaps most significantly, I’ve rather haphazardly included inflation in my calculations wherever

the whim struck me. How do my calculations need to be refined to figure that in? Also very significantly, how valid is my projection of

future repair costs? Every part in a car would seem to have a certain lifespan, so as the car gets older my intuition suggests that the

repair costs will go up and up (for instance, if a part lasts 150,000 or 200,000 miles, I haven’t had to replace it yet, but I will in the

future, whereas if it goes out every 30,000 miles, I’ve already had to replace it and I will

continue to have to replace it on a regular basis.)  A lot of this is just experience.  I don’t have a lot of experience repairing

cars. I’ve owned cars for eight years now, but I used to buy junkers for $1,200 and just drive them until they died. So, what’s the model

of the curve of a car’s repair costs, f(x), as it ages?  Intuition suggests that f(x) > x, but does f(x) = x²?  e^x?  OK,

just forget that: how much more will the cost of my car go up to maintain?  Anyone?

In a sense I’ve already answered my own question. From year 0 (when I started owning cars) until year 6 (when I got the Audi), I’ve owned

[counts in head -- Buick that doesn't count because of the insurance payout after it got wrecked, Chrysler, Honda, Toyota, Buick -- maybe

the Toyota shouldn't completely count as it's still running] 4 cars. As they were each about $1,200, and lasted one and a half years

apiece, and since I would buy a new car any time I was faced with a repair bill of $700 or higher — OK, that’s actually not enough

information yet, but let’s say I paid $800 total for maintenance for each of the cars — that’s $2,000 over a year and a half, or about

$1,300 per year annual operating cost. All of that’s loss, by the way, because in all but one of the cases I donated the car to a charity

after I was done with it, and since I didn’t (and don’t) itemize my deductions all I got was a warm fuzzy feeling. But that’s terribly

facile: there are other, major factors that increase the worth of the Audi.  Safety, for one.  Reliability, because each of the

junkers would leave me stranded at the side of the road far too frequently, and that’s just a lot less attractive with a small child.

Third, comfort. I’d lose the “cool” factor in my own estimation: Audis are my favorite cars. And I’d like to say the prestige doesn’t matter to me,

but it’s worth a certain amount to not have valets snub you, not get as many stares and honks, and not have Thousand Oaks’ completely

corrupt police force pull you over because you’re driving an older model car and obviously don’t belong there (Yeah, they do that. They’ll

make up a problem, like saying your tail-light is broken when it isn’t, then tell you charming things like the fact that they almost pulled

their gun on you. And they’ll ask you repeatedly if you have guns or drugs in the car, because they’re “sure” they saw you “stash”

something.  Foreign readers take this to heart.  American police in affluent areas really are this corrupt, it’s not just media

hype.)

Help me fix my numbers, please, but even if I got my numbers right, I don’t think the question is just whether it’s worth a $3,700 per year

(or about $300 per month) surcharge for the benefits I enumerated above. That I’d have to answer without your help. The questions are more

“Is there a car with a lower-than-$1,200-per-year annual operating cost?” I don’t know. And “Is it worth my gathering up $4,000 cash, plus

ponying up at least $1,300 to fix a body problem that’s Audi’s own admitted fault that they refuse to compensate you for, just so I can sell

my car?” That is, “Is is it worth $5,300 now for projected savings later?” You should know that, while I’m not comfortable telling everyone what our

annual household income is now that Jenn’s staying at home, it’s lower than it was two years ago. But Jenn will go back to work before

the three years is up. And my pay will go up, and if it doesn’t outpace inflation, there will be more serious problems. And finally, Yes, I guess I

am asking you to help me make the value judgments of whether the safety cum reliability cum prestige is worth the extra

expenditure.

I’d love your help.  Link to comments page in the dateline.

One of my local NPR stations is having a pledge drive, as you might have inferred from a previous post. Good grief, the hosts are annoying in pleading for money. They try every trick, every guilt trip, every manipulation in existence to compel you to give money. I want them to stay on the air as much as anyone, but it gets ridiculous.

One interesting departure, however, was when they delved into the realm of fact. They cited a statistic, presumably calculated by dividing the annual operating budget by the number of minutes in a year, that it costs $18 per minute to run the station. They were proferring this as if it demonstrated the high cost of the radio station. Does it seem to anyone else that this is really cheap? $18 per minute is thirty cents per second; you can drop quarters into a coffee can with a slot cut in the top faster than that. If I can count out an amount of money, in broadcasing, with coins, in real time, I don’t think it can qualify as expensive. I’m not complaining: paying NPR, PRI, and BBC subscription costs, as well as maintaining multiple offices and many hosts and on-site reporters for so little money is admirable. I just don’t think it’s expensive.

I know it’s one o’clock in the morning, but I want to do my bills right now and both my banking site and my loan site are down for maintenance. This doesn’t happen with paper, does it?

From I, Cringely: The Pulpit:

Finally, I am sorry to report this week the death of George Morrow, one of the early pioneers of personal computing.  Morrow started two computer companies of his own — Morrow’s Microstuff and Thinkertoys (later called Morrow Designs after the lawyers for TinkerToys objected) — and his computer designs were also built by Osborne Computing and Zenith Data Systems.  George was audited by the IRS, and the agent used a Z-171 computer that George designed.  The computer failed halfway through the audit, so George fixed it.

The Forbes Fictional Fifteen.  So who’s richer: Daddy Warbucks, Bruce Wayne, or J.R. Ewing?